Did you know that I choke on my tears almost every time that I think of you? It’s quite similar to drowning. Heavy sighs, my arms reaching out to nothingness, and finally me gasping for breath that I could never seem to catch. It’s always so difficult to discuss this , to discuss anything having to do with you.

 Do you really have any idea what I feel for you? Do you know what lives inside of me? Beneath the make believe surface, the hardened disconcerting looks, & the armor-plated like walls I’ve had up for as long as I’ve existed?

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Starting today, I want to do something different. I want to be honest with you. Honest in a way no man in history has ever been with a woman, honest in a way I’ve never been with anyone, honest in a way that perhaps, could make me look weak… I’m just tired of holding back. Tired of keeping me, to me…

Woman I can barely breathe while I write this…

I’m so in love with you…

I feel as if there aren’t enough ways to show you what I feel, and I know at this exact moment, while I’m writing this to you, I’ll never stop envisioning new ways to show you more. The truth is, I need this more than you know. For some reason when I think of us, I’m reminded of my childhood & all my failures. It seems that I never once finished anything that I’ve ever started…
So I need to finish this…
Between the battles I have had on the America’s front lawn, & the warfare that still goes on at times inside of my head, you would assume that I would be better prepared for something like this. Perhaps coming equipped with heavier artillery…
But It seems to me that all I’ve brought with me tonight are just these two things…

My Heart on my sleeve…

and Open Hands…

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Please don’t cry. I just can’t handle it… The truth is, seeing those tears running down the side of your face can be entirely too overwhelming for me. Believe me when I tell you that I suffer from the strongest case of empathy “never” documented, let me try & explain….God changed me in one day, & now I feel things in ways others just don’t. So when you hurt, I hurt. I feel all of your pain under my skin & at times the overbearingness of it all, seems as if it could even break me, along with my delicate heart. This gift, or curse, is something I have learned to live with, & I refuse to give it back, fearing of becoming the person I once was. Now, I only face forward. Please tell me… What can I say or do to take away your pain? How can I possibly make this better? Do I stay here & simply have you cry on my shoulder? Can I hug you? I can cry with you if you need me to. Just give it to me. I’ll take in all your sadness & I’ll survive it. We both will, I promise you…

I’ve been down this road before & I know how hard your life was. How hard it still is. I know all about your past. I know about how he touched you in ways that he shouldn’t have. You were just a child & your innocence was stolen from you. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from that, I’m sorry your mother didn’t believe you when you cried to her, & I’m just as sorry that evils like that exist in our world. I also know what happened to you a few years ago. That night you decided to drink too much, & your girlfriends left you alone at that party. I know what he did to you…

What were you really expecting me to say? That I feel differently now? That somehow through your life’s terrible turbulences I’m supposed to judge you, & look down upon you? Are you somehow less of a woman now because of what happened to you? You couldn’t be more wrong about me, & if you truly feel that way, then you never really took the time to get to know the man that I am. The same man, that my father helped create. Throughout all your pain, throughout all your shortcomings, throughout all times you wished you just didn’t exist. I’m here to tell you something…

YOU DESERVE TO BE LOVED…

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People often ask what happened to me. What caused me to change and how can I help them find the same happiness that I have recently found. My reply is never simple, because the truth is; there is no simple answer or solution.I lived my life like most of you. Letting each and every problem in today’s world effect my well being, my stat of mind and my physical health. After all, we are all human and emotional distress will exist weather we decide we want it in our lives of not. Keeping that in mind, I certainly can assure all of you, that my past was not as joyous as my present.

 I have a mother who never hugged me or told me that she loved me growing up. So was it really a surprise when I later turned to gangs to fill the void I had within my very own heart? Every time I committed an act of violence against another human being because of the color of the bandanna he wore in his back pocket, I was simply acting out of hurt, not out of hate. For how can I hate someone I never took the time to get to know? You know something? I still see their faces. Each and every one of them. But the truth is, the hurt I inflicted upon my perceived enemies in my youth, is nothing compared to the pain and anguish I inflicted upon my mind in the process. I guess it was safe to say devil lived inside me back then. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Truthfully and accurately speaking, I should instead mention that I lived with demons. Demons that I let run amuck deep beneath my skin. No deeper then that. Deep within my soul.

 My love life wasn’t any better. Seduction and deception came as natural to me as inhaling and exhaling. My hatred and anger for women turned me into a monster. Ignoring any signs I had of internal damage these women would instead feel pity for me. Thinking that they possibly could be the one to change me. To fix me. Sadly, that same pity they felt would ultimately be the cause of their demise. For they had never met anyone as savage as I had become. I would soon leave a trail of broken beating hearts behind me, on my journey for the pursuit of one goal, and one goal only… To ruin as many women as I possibly could.

 Now as you sit there and take in what I’ve shared with you all, it may honestly come as a shock to many, but this was my life. I used hatred and negativity to replace the real entity I was searching for, LOVE. Most of you won’t understand why I made that decision, but it’s simpler to understand than one might expect. Once I was hurt, whether it was from my own mother or from a girl-friend later in life as a teenager, It began to change me. I built up a wall and decided that I would no longer be a victim to love and heart break from anyone, especially not a woman.

 But as the years passed and times change, so did my way of thinking. I decided to no longer be angry and to forgive anyone who had ever hurt me, intentionally and unintentionally. I realized to hold onto anger is cancerous to the mind body and soul, and I want no part of that in my life. I also realized that throughout my hardships and negative decision making I was simply experiencing what it was to be a youth in revolt. I was born a man with a beautiful heart, and somehow, along life’s often difficult journey, I simply lost my way…

 I didn’t find God, I didn’t find Allah, nor did I find Jesus. But I did in fact find someone….

Myself

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Do you know why I smell your neck before I make love to you woman? Because I need to. Because I need to learn you. I need to inhale everything that makes you, you. Once I breathe in your essence I let it consume me. I let it drive me mad & let

go

of any control I had prior to stepping into this bedroom with you. Once I’m over taken, I’ll return what I’ve learned & use it against you. I’ll then penetrate & break through all the walls you’ve taken so long to desperately rebuild. & I’ll not only make love to your body woman, I’ll make love to your soul.

For this is the reason why you’ll love me more than all the rest…

And now YOU BELONG TO ME…

I miss the way you smile. I miss the way that you used to speak to me. I miss your embrace. I miss knowing I could pick up the phone & you would answer. I miss the way you used to look at me. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss Christmas with y

ou. Actually I miss any day with you. I miss the way you would make me feel when I would wake up seeing you. I miss the way you made everything better when it seemed I was at my very worst. I miss the way you breath. I miss the way You smell. I miss your face. I just miss you.

I miss my father…

Do not mistake my kindness for interest woman. This is by no means a statement of arrogance, but consisting of something else entirely. Although my eyes may appear to you to be hiding something behind them, my intentions are of the purist of nature. I want you to know that I am not blind to your physical attributes woman, I just no longer choose to be slave to my sexual desires. Let me ask you a question…

Why can’t this be different? Why can’t we think differently, act differently, behave differently? Why must we be bound to restraints that society deems normal?  Why can’t a man and a woman simply enjoy one another’s company? Please do not confuse me with the others dear. I didn’t come here tonight for that.  Instead I just wanna know your name, have a drink, and perhaps here about what makes you;  you…

I wasn’t looking for sex tonight my love…

I was just looking for a connection…

When the sun rises I think of waking up next to you. & when it rests, I think of falling asleep by your side for the rest of my life. As a matter of fact, there isn’t a single moment or second in any part of the day, that I don’t smile at the thought of your face. With eyes as blue as the sky. It shouldn’t come as any surprise to you, that when you look at me, I feel as if I could fly. I feel as if my own existence is somehow tied to yours. I feel as if for the first time in my life, aside from my very own daughter, I was born to love someone…

I remember growing up as a very young child in the 80′s and hearing and watching anything and everything about the latest epidemics occurring in today’s society at that given time.  But There were ” two ” topics in particular that hit closer to home then I, or anyone else could have expected. The first being a new drug called ” crack, ” which hit every ghetto and middle class neighborhood across America, and took the lives of countless victims. But there was another danger that lurked within the trenches and it not only affected drug users, but also, our very own friends and families. It hit America like a ton of bricks and no one was safe or immune…

It was called HIV and AIDS.

Again, I must mention that I was only a child, but I do recall the name alone shaking me to my very core. Like everyone else I became paranoid and wondered who had it and how could it be contracted???  Was it simply through drug use via needles and injection? Could it also be contracted through unprotected sex? What about something as simple as kissing?  One thing was for sure. I was deathly afraid and wanted no part of it!

As the years passed and I grew a bit older, I eventually became educated through film and literature on this heart breaking disease.  It became no less frightening to me, but at least I knew what I could do to protect and prevent myself from infection.

My father once had a friend from the Bronx, NY who would come to visit often. She was of Puerto Rican decent and I rememeber we would call her chi-chi.  She was beautiful, young, and vibrant! I think back then I may have even had a little bit of a child hood crush on that woman. She had long hair, a beautiful face, and a very fit and petite body. Of course reality set in and I realized that there was no possible way that she would ever entertain my perverted thoughts and fantasies as a young boy. Looking back now,  I am truly thankful that she ignored any passes that I may have made towards her.  Eventually I didn’t see ” chi-chi ” around anymore and I wasn’t sure why. I always enjoyed her company and I wondered what was the reason that my very own father and mother did not welcome her into our home any longer. Later I found out that this magnificent Latina became infected with HiV from her x-husband and died shortly there after from full blown AIDS.  I still shed a tear when I think about her…

A month ago I found myself praising our sun as I always do, and receiving a text from a very good friend of mine telling me that she needed to talk to me.  Of course I quickly responded because that is what any real friend would do for another in their time of need. Upon calling her back she broke the news to me that she in fact herself was infected with HIV and began to cry. Her reason for crying though, wasn’t because she was infected, But rather that she feared that I would either look at her differently or no longer be her friend because of the matter at hand.

My response to her was…

” Woman… Why would you ever assume that I would ever turn my back on someone who has never given me anything but true love? I adore you and I will do anything to help you in any way that I can, for the rest of my life… ”

I am also today writing this post for you and telling you that this Sunday, May 15th, 2011
I will hold your hand, I will hug you, I will tell you how much I appreciate who you are, how much I truly do love you, & most importantly my love…

I Will Walk With You…