Different
This isn’t about how much better of a man I’ve become. This is about reality. Coming to grips with all my personal conquests & all my deepest regrets. Confidence & Insecurity. The fact that I never rid my body or mind of any of it’s demons, but instead learned how to play nice with them. How else would you explain all of this madness? I ask you this, if we are not being ourselves, then who are we? What are we?
I love to watch a movie that opens my mind in ways an average conversation just can’t. Or perhaps at this very moment I realize maybe I’m just speaking to the wrong people? Arrogance is for the weak minded and the weak in general. The masking of insecurity on any every level is omnipresent. Didn’t you know that already? That is the reason why so many lie.
I often think about some famous musicians and wonder how they can speak of love having never truly experienced it. I wonder if they decided to speak with total truth, if would anyone buy into that? Just a thought…
I miss my father every day. I can also freely admit that I cry in the shower most of the time thinking about him, because it’s there, that I feel most vulnerable.
I miss being a child, but I don’t want to change the place that I’m in right now. It’s now my daughter’s time to play outside.
I barely listen to hip hop anymore, but it doesn’t mean I don’t love it. I’m just listening to something else right now. I have friends from every walk of life. Some that walk with God, & some, not so much. But I do love them all equally.
I talk to the sun a lot. Might sound weird to some, but to anyone who knows about spirituality, they see a friend in me. I go to church on Sunday’s, carry the Quran on my iPad, & yet I love Buddha. Hypocritical? Maybe to you, but to me it’s all beautiful so why I can’t I love it all? I don’t watch sports as much as most men & I often get tired of hearing about how many women most of my guy friends have slept with. I don’t care if I stand alone on that note.
I believe that love is more than just words and that it is the one and only entity that can change the world for the better. I also believe in energy, and I am very careful with who or what I decide to exchange it with.
I believe that getting out into the night is fun at times but so is spending a Friday night with my daughter.
I’m a simple man, but not simple minded. I also have more questions than answers in life, and that’s another reason I write.
But this is me being me.
The only person I know how to be.
I have to always be myself.
Even if it makes me…”Different”
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My Writing (The Reason I Write)
I began writing when I was a child. It was a way for me to express myself freely and it provided me with a feeling of safety and empowerment that I felt no where else but there, in that moment, through unedited literature. I won’t sit here and tell the world that I had the worst childhood, because that certainly wasn’t the case. But when those moments of loneliness, and sadness made their way into my world, the only friends I recall having by my side were a pen and paper. It wasn’t until later, that I learned that my writing wasn’t just fueled through heartache and loss, but through life’s happiest and touching moments as well. After writing numerous pieces, I felt it was only fair that I share more of me.
I write because I’m afraid. Afraid of failure? Or am I afraid of success? Perhaps I’m just afraid that I have nothing else to offer the world.
Nothing but this…
Nothing, but My Writing…
5 Minutes
5 more minutes. I’m not even sure what for. Maybe to make love to you just a bit longer? 5 more minutes to perhaps enjoy this feeling. The feeling I get each and every time I have the desire to just write. 5 more minutes to wonder about
But what it is that happened to me. How I became like this and how I began to believe in something more then just the small world I lived in before today? Or do I need an additional 5 minutes to think about my daughter? How much I believe in her and how much she represents everything I will fail to become. 5 more minutes to sleep in this bed. Wishing I never set the alarm in the first place. 5 more minutes to hold you in my arms before we experience reality & realize, we have to leave each other’s side once again. 5 more minutes to think about my mother. To think about how much she’s helped, hurt, & assisted in molding me into the man I am today. 5 more minutes to read this book. To read this piece of fiction and figure out every way possible to make it my reality. 5 more minutes to stay on the phone with you. I don’t care that you’re at work. I admit freely that I have childish behavioral issues, and I just don’t want you to hang up. 5 more minutes to look up at the sky. To play with the clouds, and imagine me flying and looking down at all of God‘s creations. 5 more minutes to stay on vacation. I know that it will soon end, but I need to enjoy the moment for as long as I possibly can with you.
5 more minutes to spend time missing my father. Telling him how much I still need him, love him, and assuring him there isn’t another that could ever take his place. Or perhaps I just need an additional 5 minutes to breathe and sigh? Realizing 5 minutes wouldn’t have changed a thing. Because even if I had gotten to you 5 minutes sooner, you still would have died…
I think I need 5 minutes to cry…
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Have You Ever?
n that you truly love her and really meant it? Not just through song and word, but through something deeper. Something that can not be seen with the human eye, but still felt on and under your partner’s skin. Have you ever helped someone in need? A stranger perhaps? Not just through generous offerings of financial bearing, but taking the time to sit down and asking how he or she was feeling on that particular day? Have you ever jumped into your automobile and taken a ride to no where? Where there doesn’t have to be a destination because you simply aren’t looking for one. Where you just inhale life and every single one of its magnificent sights in motion. Have you ever gone to the beach to feel what the sand is like? Planting your feet firmly within the ground and just letting go? Closing your eyes and tapping into that deeper outside energy source that most either aren’t aware of, or refuse to believe exists… It does….
Have you ever just taken a chance? Truly letting go with no safety net to catch you if you fall? Having an undying faith in someone that means so much to you, that you forgot
how you even existed before he or she came into your life?
Have you ever believed in something better? A better world perhaps? Where death is an honor to experience and disease plays no part in it. A place where the worlds evils can’t survive and love and trust is all we know.
Myself
People often ask what happened to me. What caused me to change and how can I help them find the same happiness that I have recently found. My reply is never simple, because the truth is; there is no simple answer or solution.I lived my life like most of you. Letting each and every problem in today’s world effect my well being, my stat of mind and my physical health. After all, we are all human and emotional distress will exist weather we decide we want it in our lives of not. Keeping that in mind, I certainly can assure all of you, that my past was not as joyous as my present.
I have a mother who never hugged me or told me that she loved me growing up. So was it really a surprise when I later turned to gangs to fill the void I had within my very own heart? Every time I committed an act of violence against another human being because of the color of the bandanna he wore in his back pocket, I was simply acting out of hurt, not out of hate. For how can I hate someone I never took the time to get to know? You know something? I still see their faces. Each and every one of them. But the truth is, the hurt I inflicted upon my perceived enemies in my youth, is nothing compared to the pain and anguish I inflicted upon my mind in the process. I guess it was safe to say devil lived inside me back then. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Truthfully and accurately speaking, I should instead mention that I lived with demons. Demons that I let run amuck deep beneath my skin. No deeper then that. Deep within my soul.
My love life wasn’t any better. Seduction and deception came as natural to me as inhaling and exhaling. My hatred and anger for women turned me into a monster. Ignoring any signs I had of internal damage these women would instead feel pity for me. Thinking that they possibly could be the one to change me. To fix me. Sadly, that same pity they felt would ultimately be the cause of their demise. For they had never met anyone as savage as I had become. I would soon leave a trail of broken beating hearts behind me, on my journey for the pursuit of one goal, and one goal only… To ruin as many women as I possibly could.
Now as you sit there and take in what I’ve shared with you all, it may honestly come as a shock to many, but this was my life. I used hatred and negativity to replace the real entity I was searching for, LOVE. Most of you won’t understand why I made that decision, but it’s simpler to understand than one might expect. Once I was hurt, whether it was from my own mother or from a girl-friend later in life as a teenager, It began to change me. I built up a wall and decided that I would no longer be a victim to love and heart break from anyone, especially not a woman.
But as the years passed and times change, so did my way of thinking. I decided to no longer be angry and to forgive anyone who had ever hurt me, intentionally and unintentionally. I realized to hold onto anger is cancerous to the mind body and soul, and I want no part of that in my life. I also realized that throughout my hardships and negative decision making I was simply experiencing what it was to be a youth in revolt. I was born a man with a beautiful heart, and somehow, along life’s often difficult journey, I simply lost my way…
I didn’t find God, I didn’t find Allah, nor did I find Jesus. But I did in fact find someone….
Myself
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A Connection
Do not mistake my kindness for interest woman. This is by no means a statement of arrogance, but consisting of something else entirely. Although my eyes may appear to you to be hiding something behind them, my intentions are of the purist of nature. I want you to know that I am not blind to your physical attributes woman, I just no longer choose to be slave to my sexual desires. Let me ask you a question…
Why can’t this be different? Why can’t we think differently, act differently, behave differently? Why must we be bound to restraints that society deems normal? Why can’t a man and a woman simply enjoy one another’s company? Please do not confuse me with the others dear. I didn’t come here tonight for that. Instead I just wanna know your name, have a drink, and perhaps here about what makes you; you…
I wasn’t looking for sex tonight my love…
I was just looking for a connection…
Thank You…
Thank You for the Oceans and Thank You for the sun. Thank You for giving me my daughter and letting her help me turn into the ” Man ” I’ve become. Thank you for my breath, and Thank you for my life. I owe you everything. These people forget their place ” Almighty, ” but I never do. When it is my time to join you, please forgive me for all my shortcomings and welcome me with open arms into your Kingdom.
P.S.
Please tell my father that I miss him and that I hope is he is proud of the man I’ve become…
Dear Sun,
Dear Sun,
I’m In Love…
I keep thinking about that condo in Los Angeles… High up where it appears to be sitting on a small mountain side. Or better yet, the one on the water where I not only have access to my own personal pool, but where God is kind enough to share his ocean with me… The tempature is around 93 degrees and it seems that everyone in the entire state is drinking out of a water bottle.
I then begin to take notice on the important factors surrounding me. The sun, the water, and that beautiful yet barely noticeable light breeze…
I lay there and just enjoy how it feels, how they all caress my skin…
The feeling is synonymous with a first kiss, or with any great kiss at that. Where you crave more and more and guilt couldn’t begin to be an issue. Or that amazing feeling when you realize that you have just fallen in love.
Actually, that’s exactly what it is…
It’s just not with woman…
I’m in love with Summer…
Let’s All Take The Time…
We should all take the time out today to praise you!
I could never get tired of seeing you!!!
I feel like a child!
You make me giddy!
I even blush when I see you!
You come second to the birth of my daughter and God created you, how could I not love you????
Sometimes you’ll go away for days and I’ll keep you inside of my heart because I know that I’ll see you again…
Simple dialogue for a simple love…
We should all take the time out today to praise the sun…
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