People often ask what happened to me. What caused me to change and how can I help them find the same happiness that I have recently found. My reply is never simple, because the truth is; there is no simple answer or solution.I lived my life like most of you. Letting each and every problem in today’s world effect my well being, my stat of mind and my physical health. After all, we are all human and emotional distress will exist weather we decide we want it in our lives of not. Keeping that in mind, I certainly can assure all of you, that my past was not as joyous as my present.
I have a mother who never hugged me or told me that she loved me growing up. So was it really a surprise when I later turned to gangs to fill the void I had within my very own heart? Every time I committed an act of violence against another human being because of the color of the bandanna he wore in his back pocket, I was simply acting out of hurt, not out of hate. For how can I hate someone I never took the time to get to know? You know something? I still see their faces. Each and every one of them. But the truth is, the hurt I inflicted upon my perceived enemies in my youth, is nothing compared to the pain and anguish I inflicted upon my mind in the process. I guess it was safe to say devil lived inside me back then. Perhaps I should rephrase that. Truthfully and accurately speaking, I should instead mention that I lived with demons. Demons that I let run amuck deep beneath my skin. No deeper then that. Deep within my soul.
My love life wasn’t any better. Seduction and deception came as natural to me as inhaling and exhaling. My hatred and anger for women turned me into a monster. Ignoring any signs I had of internal damage these women would instead feel pity for me. Thinking that they possibly could be the one to change me. To fix me. Sadly, that same pity they felt would ultimately be the cause of their demise. For they had never met anyone as savage as I had become. I would soon leave a trail of broken beating hearts behind me, on my journey for the pursuit of one goal, and one goal only… To ruin as many women as I possibly could.
Now as you sit there and take in what I’ve shared with you all, it may honestly come as a shock to many, but this was my life. I used hatred and negativity to replace the real entity I was searching for, LOVE. Most of you won’t understand why I made that decision, but it’s simpler to understand than one might expect. Once I was hurt, whether it was from my own mother or from a girl-friend later in life as a teenager, It began to change me. I built up a wall and decided that I would no longer be a victim to love and heart break from anyone, especially not a woman.
But as the years passed and times change, so did my way of thinking. I decided to no longer be angry and to forgive anyone who had ever hurt me, intentionally and unintentionally. I realized to hold onto anger is cancerous to the mind body and soul, and I want no part of that in my life. I also realized that throughout my hardships and negative decision making I was simply experiencing what it was to be a youth in revolt. I was born a man with a beautiful heart, and somehow, along life’s often difficult journey, I simply lost my way…
I didn’t find God, I didn’t find Allah, nor did I find Jesus. But I did in fact find someone….